Decision time...

I've not talked about my course at university here for some time, so I'm going to come clean. The last 6 months have been difficult at home. Regular readers may remember. The balls I have been trying to juggle have had to be rethought and decisions made.

There have been several things that have influenced my decision to fill in my withdrawal form.

I have loved every minute of my studying but when things were going astray, I found I was unable to do my second placement because I was needed at home. If I'm honest, I was a bit relieved. My first placement before Christmas was ok, but I felt that maybe teaching wasn't going to be me.

During my humanities module this year, huge emphasis was put on the benefits of field trips as part of the enquiry process to learning subjects such as geography, history and RE. I'm not sure if I have referred to the fact that Tom's brain injury (when he was 4 and at nursery) that left him so profoundly disabled, was a result of a school trip. For that reason alone, I just don't think I could get behind the core of the module. Of course, I'm not saying that school trips are unnecessary, it's just that personally, I'm struggling with it. No2 has always gone on trips , apart from the particular one that Tom went on, and at primary school, I always tried to join him as a parent helper. At secondary school now, he participates too - he's even been ski-ing for a week, but it's hard for me.

Having missed a fair amount of the second half of this term when No2 was out of school, I came to the conclusion that I was glad I'd tried it but no, it wasn't for me. If I'm truly honest, I also know that I don't want a full-on, full-time job and teaching (especially to start with) would be just that. I found it hard not having time to do the things that feed my creative soul.

So, here I am back at home, with time on my hands, hence the copious amounts of crochet going on here.

I'm a firm believer in things finding you when you're not really looking for them and in May I was invited for an interview at Helen House to take part in a training course to help support other bereaved parents. I got on and have just completed the training. I now have to wait over the summer, to be allocated my first family. I will visit them in their home to listen and support them through, what I know, is the worst time. I can share my own experiences and hope that they will find the benefits I have found in talking to people who share the same scar.

Also in May, I was fortunate enough to meet the Children's Commissioner for England, Sir Al Aynsley-Green. We discussed the difficulties I'd been having with No2 and school and he was extremely interested. He is starting a research project on bereaved children and would like my story to be part of that research. I really hope he contacts me to help.

So, this is the thing: maybe I need to embrace the things that I cannot get away from and work with them to make something positive happen. I'm happy to do that. It's something that I can dip in and out of and it leaves time for me to be creative, which heals me.

If all else fails...