Ups and downs...

I find that usually my life meanders along at a steady and usually slow pace. There are peaks and troughs but they are generally spaced out manageably. Or so I like to think.

This weekend, though, felt like a roller coaster with highs and lows jostling for attention.

Yesterday was Tom's 19th birthday. You may think this is a low, but I manage these occasions now with a gently sadness rather than a real physical pain. Time does that. The high came with these flowers that I took to his grave. A small select few from M & S with the addition of a little of this and that from my own garden.

I made a cake. The sweet and salty chocolate cake from Cake Days. Oh my. The most time-consuming cake I have ever made. The low was not only the actual time it took, but also that I burnt one lot of caramel and had to start over. I was so out of kilter yesterday, it felt like the end of the world.

The high was the calorific intake that just a small slice provided. I chopped some fudge to sprinkle on the top just to give it a final push in the sickliness department!

Flowers, again, came to my rescue and having been inspired by what I took for Tom, I picked a small jarful from the garden and placed them next to my knitting chair in the conservatory. I get an extraordinary amount of pleasure from such simple things. I've never thought to pick my clematis before and am wondering why as it looks so pretty amongst the other flowers.

Looking back, there were more highs than lows: I booked a summer holiday and am off to Mallorca with my sister and her family for a week in July, I mastered the art of the invisible zip (more of which soon) and there was sunshine and plenty of it.

Today, though, has delivered another mind-numbing low. My fancy new chicken run has not deterred the hungry fox and I made the gruesome discovery of an empty chicken coop again this morning. To say I am upset is an understatement. It was some time before I could stomach the cake for breakfast as prescribed by my Tweeple.

So, do I get more hens or do I let the extortionate amount of hen-keeping kit that is now languishing in my back garden go to waste? Answers on a postcard, please.

Adventures in quilting…

Following on from my last post, the maths issue has been resolved and I have finished the quilt top. I filled in the gaps with 2” squares in rows, columns or blocks as necessary.  I am now waiting for the backing to arrive so I can get to quilting it.

 

terrible picture, sorry!

The inspiration behind this quilt came from the Babette blanket that I failed to finish and turned into cushions instead.  I loved the way the blocks of blocks were created and I knew it would be an amazing quilt.  I think it is a slightly odd size, but it will fit nicely on top of the small double bed I have in my spare room.  Also, it is not the whole of the Babette pattern. I was restricted by the fact that I only had the one jelly roll of these fabrics (now out of print, Arcadia by Moda), to which I added about 1/4 m of five plains.  Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll have a bash at the whole thing.  I certainly love it enough to make again.

Ali’s post the other day has struck a real chord with me and I have many reasons for not blogging as much of late and I am determined to try and get back into the rhythm of it.  The first step towards this is that I have moved my laptop onto the desk beside my sewing machine.  I love spending time in my workroom and figured that I could come in here and do more than just sewing.  Also, my laptop is absolutely on its last legs and I get incredibly frustrated at the length of time it takes to do anything now other that surf the ‘net.  At least I can multi-task while it catches up with itself.  I am desperate to buy a new one… and now we are talking contracts at OUP, I may be able to fulfil my dream and buy one of these.

There has been lots of sewing going on around here lately as I seem to be getting my creative mojo back again.  Like Monica, I am on a UFO kick and am trying to get round to finishing lots of projects that have been laying around in various states of progress for far too long.  Perhaps the more frequent blogging will spur me on, although it was part of the show and tell thing of blogging that seemed to be getting a bad press that was putting me off a bit.  I don’t know why because I still love to see what everyone is up to and it keeps me inspired on a daily basis.

Right, back to the machine while I wait an age for my crusty old laptop to upload this post!

Actually, not One Skein...

I felt the need to crochet or knit something for myself, just a quick project because I was desperate to use this yarn. I bought it in John Lewis Oxford Street a couple of weeks ago.




I had a browse through Ravelry and hit on a pattern that by luck I happened to have and in one of my favourite books. The great thing about Ravelry is that you can find patterns made up in different yarns to that stated in the pattern with amazing results. The scarf in the book was (to me) totally uninspiring and more of a short cravat-type affair. I needed a longer, softer scarf so I used 2 balls instead of 1.




The thing I love about crochet is that with just a few basic stitches used in different combinations you come up with such wonderful patterns. Added together with the most gorgeous multi-coloured yarn and what's not to love?





This scarf hardly took any time to make and was perfect for biding a couple of dark evenings away with a big hook in hand.





It looks so lovely on my weathered garden furniture don't you think?




And goes perfectly with a dress I bought on aforementioned shopping trip!

Scarves are going to be accessory of the season for me as I am going into hospital on Friday (the 13th...I know...don't even go there...) to have a hemi-thyroidectomy which will leave a scar on my neck which I will be doing my best to conceal until it becomes less noticeable. Hopefully, I will be able to come home on Saturday with half a thyroid gland that I am hoping will be able to manage my thyroid hormone production without the need to take a replacement.

It will be my first time in hospital as a patient (other than having the boys) and I am a tad nervous about the anaesthetic as I've never had a general either. For the best part of this year I have been up and down to an endocrinologist about a cyst that has grown in my throat. I had it biopsied (it was benign) and aspirated twice but it is persistently reforming so surgery is my last resort.

Luckily, there is a coffee shop round the corner that I can send my visitors out for a gingerbread latte while I'm lording it up in bed... I am dying for a cup of coffee as I'm off it this week while I'm taking some arnica to help with bruising. I didn't ever consider myself hooked on caffeine but it may be true. Roll on Saturday!

Typical Brit...

I'm bored, bored, bored of this constant grey, wet and windy weather. Last night I watched the weather forecast just to see if they could get it right... they couldn't.

No2 wanted to go to HMV at Piccadilly Circus today to go in the gaming zone with a couple of his friends. I still think he's too young to be let loose in the West End on his own so I travelled up with them and gave them 2 hours to themselves in the Trocadero while I had a quick walk up to Liberty and a sandwich and coffee on the steps below Eros - with my umbrella up for most of the time. It was dry when I sat down and rather than lose a dry seat, up went my brolly and I sat there for over an hour watching the world go by.

When we got home, wet, chilly and a bit miserable, I got straight under my quilt and carried on with the hand-quilting. I love this bit. I find it so relaxing, working with a bit of a plan about where to start and what order to do it in. (I'll post about the making of this quilt soon). And who'd have thought I'd have wanted to be snuggled up under a quilt in mid-July?

I'm sure it's not allowed, considering this quilt is brand new, not even finished, but Pip obviously couldn't resist its charms and to be honest, he is a lovely hot water bottle! I think he was lonely, having been left home alone all day.

As the end is in sight for this quilt, I have been choosing fabrics for the next one. My two sisters have asked me to make a quilt for each of my nieces (3 altogether) and so my mind is buzzing with colourways and patterns.

I have just discovered Saints and Pinners and ordered 4 fabrics late on Sunday night. They came today! Now that's what I call service. They have a blog too.

Almost too nice to open... and with a friendly note enclosed!

These fabrics are actually for quilt #1 and #2... I think! I've ordered some more from eQuilter and they should be here soon - mostly sale fabrics too!

At least the weather keeps me indoors a-sewing and a-crocheting...

What-ifferies...

There's some stuff that I need to get out. Or maybe, just write down. Same difference, really.

My moments of delight are important to me at the moment. Without them, I truly believe I may go mad. Here's another:

Love white daisies...

It's that horrible period of two weeks that will always be hard. Between Tom's Angel Anniversary and his birthday. This year he will be/would have been 16. Old enough to:

• get married with one parents consent
• have heterosexual sex
• have homosexual sex
• leave school after official leaving date
• join armed forces with parental consent (but not permitted into war zone)
• work full time
• claim social security benefits
• get licence to drive a moped
• sell scrap metal
• join a Trade Union
• buy a pet
• choose your own doctor
• buy premium bonds
• drink beer, cider, porter or perry with a meal in a restaurant
• play the National Lottery
• sell National Lottery tickets
• change your name

List from here.

Clematis montana alba - magical with the sun going down behind it...

So I sit here and wonder what he would have been like now. If he hadn't been brain-injured. Or if he was simply still here. My heart is breaking. I have taken books off my book shelf that have not been looked at in many months to see if it is normal. Lines from them pop out of the pages and they resonate with me to my core.

"How will people be able to deal with the person I have become, will become?"

" To be forced to be well behaved is torture"

Love lime green stamens...

My days are dark and robot-like. I'm finding it difficult to be motivated and I go through daily rituals almost in a trance. No2 gets fed and always has clean clothes to put on. I watch him and wonder how it would be to have two boys under my roof. His voice has broken, he sounds grown-up apart from when he giggles. I haven't heard Tom's voice in nearly 12 years. His injury robbed him of it along with all the other things that we take for granted. He had a funny little voice. It delivered what he wanted to say precisely and thoughtfully. The last thing he said to me was 'can I have a drink?'

I wonder how tall he would have been and what he would have been good at at school. Would he be revising hard now, for his GCSE's or just winging it like his brother?

There are new and shiny things in my life now but I wonder if there is room for them at the moment. Will I ever feel whole again? I want to move forward but my grief drags me back. I'm angry. It is unfocused, just a general feeling that bubbles under my skin.

Bear with me. One day at a time.