feather your nest ...

I didn't mean to leave it quite so long to make my little announcement over here on the blog so here goes:

Do you see that little shop widget over there --->
(Perhaps not, I guess, if you're reading on Reader or your mobile device, you'll have to take my word for it!)

Having an Etsy shop is a project I have been thinking about for a very long time; a project that I have been working on for quite a long time; and finally, after all that time, have had the confidence to open up its doors.

After much procrastination I found that, along with some amazingly supportive friends, the Universe sent me a couple of gentle prods to set the ball rolling. I pinned the above picture just recently as I believe this to be very true of me. I cannot help making things and I'm certainly not happy if I am unable to make things.

But who knew that there would quite so many things to think about in opening up an Etsy shop? The actual making of the things I wanted to sell was the easy bit - I've had to think about mail bags and wrapping, postage costs, what I wanted to be a strong point for selling my wares. Many, many details that have kept me awake at night.

Then there was the actual name of the shop itself. 'feather your nest' was always my first choice but after trying to get past the first page of the Etsy template, I realised it wasn't very original. Other names were toyed with but there was always a negative comment when I was trying them out on people to get some feedback that really put me off and so I always found myself back at my first idea. Hence the numbers on the actual web address, which aren't ideal but I can live with it!

The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was one of pricing. It is a minefield and then serendipity handed me the thing I needed to read. Arounna sums it up perfectly in this blog post. I read it, digested it and it was the final thing my confidence needed to hit the 'open shop' button.

It feels good to have a direction to take my creative sewing in and I'm looking forward to becoming part of the Etsy community. I'd love for you to have a wander through and let me know what you think. I'm happy to do custom orders too so if there is something that you like but maybe have your own ideas or colours, then I can make it happen for you!

In the post ...

I love receiving things in the post and this week has been an excellent one for making me rush to the doormat every time I hear the thump of something falling on to it. Or sometimes, more often in the middle of the day, the doorbell rings and there is a terrified delivery person, shaking at the intense barking that ensues every time it rings, ready to hand over something wonderfully anticipated.

I have Belinda to thank for the introduction of this satchel to my collection of bags. I spent many hours browsing the options in terms of colour, style and size and finally opted for this gorgeous metallic version. I'm not a shoe girl, but am definitely a bag girl (not bag lady!).

Next up were some of Celia's amazing Not just for Valentine's Day cards.  My plan for these is to frame them and hang them somewhere prominent in the house. I absolutely love Celia's work and so, for me, this is a great way to be able to own some.

Just as satisfying as receiving things in the post, is making up little parcels to send out to others.  I have finished my final block in the #twitknit scarf swap I have been taking part in. Not all my blocks needed blocking, but this one most definitely did to show off the pattern.

It seems like a little sprinkle of magic happens when you use some pins, a water sprayer and a smidgeon of patience.

I'm hoping that making trips to the post office to make such deliveries is going to become a regular happening soon as the last package to have fallen on my mat this week is very exciting (at least, to me) and after a bit tweaking here and there over the next day or two I will be unveiling a little project that I have been working on recently. I've been dropping hints over on Twitter so it's not exactly a secret if you follow me there ...

Sorry for terrible grainy phone photo, but I was just a tad excited and had to take an immediate photo!

Plotting...

Back in the summer when I was in the throes of the daily delights of bringing flowers into the house that I had successfully grown myself, I got to thinking about bigger and better things. It seemed that the three raised beds that I had reutilised to feed this new-found passion were simply not enough. I found myself looking over the back fence at the allotment plot that I once worked until the sheer scale of it became too daunting for me to fit into what was, back then, a busier time in life.

One afternoon a few months ago, I could hear the solitary allotmenteer busy trying to cut the grass that surrounds the five plots and decided to bite the bullet and ask about taking on a plot again. The view that confronted me over the fence was pretty scary but then I knew that the four remaining plots hadn't been worked since I gave up back in 2008. I'm not sure how that little patch of bare earth in the photo below has survived the onslaught of weeds but it gave me a taste of how things could be.

After giving it a little bit more thought, I took action. I knew that I wouldn't be able to even contemplate clearing the plot on my own and so with the help of the lovely Sara, who I met on Twitter, I employed some muscle and now look!

My masterplan is to keep the majority of it covered overwinter so that I have a glorious blank canvas to work with next year. Who knew that I'd get so excited to order tarpaulins? Or manure?! But excited I am and my head is buzzing with plans about what to grow.

First up and in the ground are raspberries.  I did a bit of research (again, on Twitter) and got loads of responses back about the best and most reliable varieties. I've also got some golden ones on order.

I'm hoping that this weekend I can get a couple of other things in the ground just to get the ball rolling and then I can dream and list and plan and pin to my heart's content over the coming months.

I'm really hoping that I can have some fun with this space and that it reflects the things that are important to me. I'm thinking of a patchwork of growing space: one that is practical and pleasing to look at.

What are you plotting?

4 :: Looking forward...

It's decision time here. The talk of late has been one of leaving school next summer and continuing No2's education at a college as school has never been his favourite place.

Suddenly, last week, that all changed.  He came home with the prospectus and informed me that he had chosen his subjects and would be staying on a his current school.

It felt like he grew up before my very eyes.  That evening we went to the 6th Form Forum and I have to confess to being mightily impressed.  So tomorrow we will be filling out the online application and then sitting back to see if he can get his grades. (Predictions are all very encouraging).

Taster day...

For the last year, my Mum has been doing a watercolour class each week and I have been so impressed with what she has been producing.  In the course of conversation, it came up that I had been to art college (many, many moons ago) and so her tutor kindly asked if I would like to join them on their annual outdoor workshop with a view to joining the class in September.

This morning I packed up my tin of sketching pencils, found a new sketch book and set off to a nature reserve that I didn't even know existed just a couple of miles from home.

Everyone looked very confident and excited to be given such a large space to explore and choosing the subject was, I think, the hardest part of the day.  I have never had any tuition in watercolours, although I used to love using them for illustrative purposes and so I chose the safe route of finding a thistle head to sketch.  As long as there is something (usually nature-related) in front of me, I am fairly confident of my sketching skills and so putting the first marks on my paper wasn't too daunting.

Soon, though, the lure of adding colour became too much and I crept over to where Mum was drawing and decided to give it a go.  Having raided her art box, and with some encouragement from the teacher, I started out sketching the view in front of me with a drawing pen.

I couldn't wait to add some colour.

The day flew by and my sketchbook now has something in it!  I think it's ok for a first attempt but I am definitely going to join the group in September and learn a new skill.  The less is more concept of watercolour is something that I am going to find challenging, but I am also hoping to be able to develop my own style of painting, especially combined with the ink.

I also had the chance to walk around the reserve and was delighted to find a tiny little pond where dragonflies were emerging from their nymph  stage.  I don't know if you can just about spot the dragonfly in this photo, drying out its wings.  It is just above that brown leaf in the middle of the picture.  I wish I'd taken my other lens'.  There are a couple of other nymphs hanging off the leaves.

I then found an empty nymph moult.  The child in me still loves this kind of discovery.

Back to the kitchen tomorrow and Saturday for the rest of the christening preparations.  Keep your fingers crossed for a fine day, I really can't face the house full of people.  I'm expecting about 48 and am hoping to keep them all entertained in the garden.

I'll leave you with a quick photo of one of the red admiral butterflies that were in abundance today.  I love butterflies too...

Discipline…

I have many things to do and many more things I want to do and so I am having to be strict with myself.
I just had a tally up and I have seven Roman blinds and one pair of full-length curtains on my to-do list.  How on earth did that happen?  I wasn’t even aware that I still did curtain-making! None of them are for me, I hasten to add.  Luckily I have made two blinds this weekend (they aren’t included in the seven!), so my plan is working.
My sister was getting rid of this chair and I immediately saw a patchwork opportunity not to be missed.



I put my favourite quilt on it to get a feel of how it might look when I’ve finished with it.



It really will take every ounce of discipline I possess for me to keep it in line with the other jobs that really ought to take priority.

As a tiny reward for exercising a huge amount of discipline this weekend, I allowed myself a frivolous 10 minutes play and created this heart garland.



Sooo  easy and satisfying to make.

An alternative...

On the lane that takes you into the village that my friend lives in, there is a sign on the left-hand side that has always piqued my interest.  For almost four years I have driven past it but a couple of weeks ago I decided to stop and look.

The sign says Natural Burial Ground and I have slowed my car to watch with interest what has been happening in what seemed at first, a rather unkempt field.  As my friend and I walked in, along with her young son, we were greeted by a softly-spoken lady who was treating a wooden post.  She enquired as to whether we were visiting someone or would just like to look around - which we were more than welcome to do.  Over on one side there was a gathering of what looked like a family and so we respected their space and explored the rest of the site.

In the roundhouse, pictured above, were slate plaques with inscriptions: some simple and other more poetic.  It seemed that a wonderful assortment of people had chosen this to be their final resting place.  We smiled at one that simply said a fine man  and then actually giggled at another that said Mickey the roofer.  I liked the plaque on a wooden post that said that the lady would be remembered for her wit and charm.

I remember when I was arranging Tom's funeral that I think I stunned the funeral director by requesting a woven bamboo basket instead of a wooden coffin for him.  It just seemed wrong to have my last memory of him in an ugly wooden casket.  Instead, my memory is of a wonderfully natural basket with a calico lining and smothered in ivy and sweet peas.  Had I known about this, I think I would have chosen it as Tom's final resting place.  I love the philosophy behind its creation:

    A nature reserve burial ground is not only a place of peace.  It is an extraordinary memorial to those who have gone before us.  It is an important gift for our children, their children, their grandchildren.



As we approached the gate again, the lady who had spoken to us earlier came over.  She introduced herself as Emma and I asked about what her vision was for this area.  She told us about the plans to create a woodland and nature reserve and that they had recently created a pond at the bottom of the site.  I found myself telling her about Tom and how much I would have loved to have him here and she suggested that I could consider a memorial tree.  I loved the sense of peace that I found there and the openness with which I felt able to talk about such things.  It is a part of the country that has many strong memories and ties for me so although it may seem far from home, the thought of being part of a landscape is very appealing.

As we were walking around, we noticed that there were fossils amongst the stones on the paths and Emma told us that this area was once an inland sea and evidence of that was all around.  My friends son found an unusual looking fossil and we were told it was known as a devil's toenail!  You can imagine how much this appealed to an eight year old boy!

I hope it isn't too early for me to consider that I would like to become part of this landscape too and I am glad that my mind is open enough for me to consider it. I guess because I am writing about death and grief, I feel strangely comfortable talking about it and I will definitely be discussing this alternative in the book.

So far, what we have written has been met with a really positive reception and we have a meeting scheduled for the week after next with an editor at a rather prestigious publisher.  But that's all I'm saying at the moment as I don't want to tempt fate.

A weekend of writing awaits...

That time of year...

The dahlias are for picking at the nursery so it must mean the end of summer.  I know I am not alone in thinking that September signals the start of a new year with the beginning of the academic year.  I feel like I need to look back on the summer as a playful interlude and that plans that have been talked and thought about need to be put into practice.

No2 went back to school today - into Year 10, how on earth did that happen?  He's had an eventful summer of pushing his luck and his boundaries.  He looked all grown up in his blazer this morning and as soon as he'd left, I was clock watching for him to come home again.  He text me within minutes of coming out of school to say that he'd been moved up, not one but two sets this year.  At the beginning of this year, due to his difficulties during the previous terms, his year head had made the decision to move him down a set as his behaviour had affected his academic progress.  He was absolutely mortified and it seems he became determined to rectify the situation.  Today's news is wonderful and I am so pleased for and with him.  So, he is now starting his GCSE's and I'm really hoping he will work hard and realise his potential.  We talked about working hard and playing hard to find a balance to the next few years.

I need to get some discipline in place myself too.  I have decided that if I write about it here, it will be real and therefore I will have to actually make a start.  You see, I have been asked to write a book.  I will be writing alongside one of the bereavement team at Helen House.  She is someone who I have shared many hours with over the last two and a half years, both on a one-to-one level and as part of a larger group.  I cannot begin to tell you how flattered I am to be asked to collaborate in such a project.  We will be writing a book about losing a child.  It will be my personal experiences and those that I have shared with other bereaved parents I have met over the last four years, married with what is known from research and studies on grief and bereavement.  We want it to be aimed at people who have lost a child or are anticipating such a loss.  Over the last three months we have worked on an outline and at the beginning of the summer holidays we met with the Chief Executive and Clinical Director and were given the go-ahead.  So now I need to write.  My first deadline is next Friday and I have spent the last ten days mulling over where to start.  I think I have my first line.  Or maybe that should be my first first line.

My strategy is to find a balance that involves plenty of creativity which I am hoping will inspire me to tackle some painful and honest accounts of how it feels to have your entire life turned on its head.  I need to have my home filled with colour and flowers - the two things that keep me sane.  The dahlia fields are calling me...

Title unknown...

At the beginning of the year, my lovely friend Mary, quoted that her mantra for the year would be to "Be open and stay alert", I asked her if I could adopt if for my year too and I think that maybe it is having an effect.


So, following on from my last post, my training at Helen House has started once again this year.  You can read about the beginnings of it here.  In our latest session we discussed the differences between open and closed questions - subtle differences in language that make a huge difference when you are trying to actively listen to somebody talking about incredibly difficult subjects.  There is always a significant amount of role play during our training and I am having to learn to really think before I speak and use silence constructively.  Not easy, I can tell you. 

Our group has now been asked how we feel about facilitating workshops for not-so-newly bereaved parents who would like some form of support to continue.  I am interested as I really see it as a two-way opportunity for support, both for the people who join us and for myself. 

A few weeks ago, I had a letter out of the blue from Tom's Consultant Paediatrician asking me if I would be interested in participating in a training day at St Mary's Hospital, Paddington that was being aimed at teaching all the Paediatric Registrars in London how to support bereaved parents and children.  She is a trustee of the Child Bereavement Charity, who will run the lectures.  Last week we met for coffee and discussed what would be useful to talk about for about an hour during the lecture.  I will be fully supported during my time by a counsellor at St Mary's who I met last week too.  My first lecture is on Thursday and I plan to go without notes as I find it easier to talk without having an agenda.  I have also said that I am more than happy for it to be open for discussion rather than have to have too much of a script to follow.  I will talk about preparation for death and discussions and interactions that took place in the weeks, months and years before.  I will also share what I thought was helpful or things that I think could have been done better.  I know it's not something that anyone could do and when I have tried to discuss it with friends and family, I get very mixed reactions.  But I feel that I can do it and that I need to give it a go.  I am trying to find a balance in my life and I think that by using my experiences constructively balances the more frivolous side of my creative life now. 

During coffee we also talked about a new government directive called the Child Death Overview Process and I was asked if I would consider being a parent member within our Local Safeguarding Children Board.  It is a role that would not be very time-consuming and from what I can gather, I would be required to read through publications from a parent's perspective to make sure that they were not too insensitive. Since 2008, it has been mandatory for every child death to be investigated and I still feel fortunate to this day that I didn't have to go through the agony of having to face Tom having a post-mortem.

Who knows if this is the right or wrong thing for me to be doing now.  I feel that unless I try it, I'll never know.  It feels incongruous to mention in my space here because I know it is a distressing and sensitive subject to stumble upon amongst the quilting and crochet and baking.  But here's the thing:  it is the biggest part of my life and no amount of creativity will ever fill the void.  In the run-up to Tom's anniversary and birthday that both fall in spring, it feels worthwhile, but I'm nervous and know it will be exhausting.  Perhaps it is my way of keeping my darling boy alongside me.  Like I could ever forget such a face - there is a serenity to this, one of my favourite photos, that always makes me sigh.

I will be back tomorrow with some borrowed beauty...

Deadline...

I'm not used to working to a deadline anymore.  I have tried really hard not to let it stress me out too much.

Tomorrow evening, I have a table at a fund-raising evening in Warwickshire, with my friend.  A table to try and sell some things I have been making.

I had grand plans to have a really good assortment of items to sell but my time has been taken up with goodness knows what.  So, I am taking along a few bits of crochet and some fabric-y bits that I have made out of all the scrap materials from my quilt-making.  I have tried to photograph it as I go, but to be honest, the light is so dull it's been hard to capture the colours.

Perhaps tomorrow I can get some better pictures...  Perhaps, I'll even sell something!

*****

I am going to do some more training tonight at Helen House.  Things have been moving forward in this area for me lately and when I get a chance I will post about some things that I am now involved in.  As ever, I have many balls in the air.  Hopefully next week, I can get myself more organised and finish some projects that have had to sit on the back burner for a while. 

Spiritual Retreat...

Yesterday I went on a Spiritual Retreat Day, organised by Helen House Hospice, where I belong to a bereaved parents group. The day was made possible by the generous offer by a lady who, I believe, is a benefactor of the hospice. She kindly allowed us to use her beautiful home, set in the Oxfordshire countryside. The day was facilitated by Mark, the chaplain at the hospice and he put together a programme that was loosely structured into group presentations, that we were under no obligation to take part in, and free time to spend in any way we wished for reflection.

The first group presentation was focused on Michelangelo's Pieta sculpture. Mark talked about this image and how it represented loss. I found it incredibly powerful to see Mary cradling the body of Jesus in her arms. It resonated with me in a way that words cannot describe. I think the image will stay with me forever.

Mark talked about a sense of holding on and letting go. It is a feeling that I am aware of now in my life, as I move on into territory that is new and challenging. Territory that I wouldn't have been entering had my darling boy not left me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreading the conversations that are going to be inevitable about how many children I have (I still haven't formulated the response that I find comfortable...) It is proof that life continues and I can only hope that Tom's spirit is holding me up and pushing me forwards. It comes very easily to me to feel guilty that I am moving on without him, but when I get the chance for some dedicated time to focus on my grief, such as the time I spend at Helen House, it allows me to see that, actually, my grief is still there, just under the surface, and I find this a huge comfort to let my tears flow freely and without any fear. It affirms to me that the decision I made after Tom passed away, that I would not try to get over losing him, but instead learn to live with losing him, was the right decision to make.

We were blessed with a glorious September day and the gardens at the house were perfect for spending time either alone or with friends that I have made. They were filled with birdsong and butterflies. I discovered the most amazing walled kitchen garden and swings hidden in oak trees. I was drawn to this bench, flanked by agapanthus and looking down towards rolling hills beyond immaculate beds and perfectly cut lawn.

I proved to myself that I am not a shameless blogger, armed with a camera, photographing everything! I think I behaved in an appropriate manner, without taking advantage of the family's privacy and limited my images to just three as a reminder of a lovely day...

Endings and Beginnings...

I confess, I have neglected this blog for the last 10 days...

It's been a busy time...

I have left my job, ready to start a new chapter of my life in September, when I start at university. I was thoroughly spoilt on leaving and moved to tears at the generosity and warm words of encouragement from my colleagues.

There was a beautiful greeny-white orchid, which adds a serenity to my bedroom now that's it's too hot in my conservatory.

There were the brightest sunflowers, which add a splash of colour to the fireplace in my kitchen.

And, lucky, lucky me, I got an £80 Borders gift card! Perfect for fuelling my book addiction! Did I mention a chocolate fudge cake? No? There was...and it went before I had a chance to photograph it!

To prove I haven't been slacking in other areas, I made this crochet heart for my friend to carry at her wedding yesterday.

I adjusted the pattern that Attic 24 used for her crochet heart bunting slightly, as I wanted a slightly longer, not-so-fat-heart and I used the gorgeous Debbie Bliss silk that I bought a while back on my ill-fated trip into town.

It was a beautiful day - a new beginning for my dearest friend, who I have known all my life. I felt strangely emotional (who doesn't at weddings?) and laughed and cried with her and her wonderful family. Her parents are my Godparents, and it is a role they have always taken seriously and I am a better person for that.

On the table favours, my friend added a little dragonfly pin badge to mine and No2's name tags, in memory of Tom. I was moved to tears by her thoughtfulness and had to make an emergency dash to my room to reapply my mascara...

This is what made the day complete:

Blue sky! About time too...

I fear I may be slacking a bit more over the next few weeks, both in posting here and getting round to my usual copious amount of visiting Blogland, but I'll be back, have no fear!!!

I may have mentioned this before, but the formatting is wrong, all wrong and it drives me crazy - any tips, anyone?

Handsome hound...

Barney is a dog who shivers! So, naturally, he needs a coat... and who better to make him one?

This is Felted and Fabulous from this book. It's the third coat I've knitted him. The first one he chewed the (beautiful mother-of-pearl) buttons off of, the second one is still going strong... but it's always good to have a choice!

I used Rowan's Kid Classic - a beautiful yarn - and then I felted it. It looks a bit wonky...

...but he doesn't seem to mind. He's a lucky dog! It coordinates with his orange leash, of course!!

On another note, I'm very excited! I just got tickets to see REM in Manchester (LCCC) in August. And I booked a hotel to make a weekend of it - yes! I saw them 3 years ago at Hammersmith Apollo and they were just brilliant. It will be No2's first live gig and is on his birthday weekend - the best 12th birthday present a boy could get!

Habitat...

Today found me in Habitat with No2 looking for a desk chair for his bedroom.

We looked but didn't buy...he'd changed his mind on the one he wanted...and he's quite stubborn like that...rather than march out I made a couple of exciting purchases!

This paper tulip caught my eye and knowing that I had vase that was crying out for such a thing, one promptly went in my basket. Isn't it lovely?

Next up were these silicone cupcake cases. I know there is someone out there with an eviable collection of cupcake cases and not to be outdone, these went in the basket too! It's a shame I didn't have them for my Valentine cupcakes, but I know they will be well used. Apparently, No2 is going to make some mini-muffins especially...

On a final note, to all you fellow Glampers, if you haven't already got a copy of this book...

...go order yourself a copy - it's great!